Often out of the blue, I send a simple text to my daughters. "I love you, Ellise Virginia." "I love you, Sarah Grace." (My other daughter is somewhat estranged now, per her wish, but that is another story.) Last Tuesday afternoon I did that. Ellise responded shortly thereafter, but Grace did not. She does not keep her phone nearby as Ellise does, since she works.
As I laid down last Tuesday night, around 11pm, for some reason, those awful thoughts returned. As usual, I curled up in the fetal position, hoping the thoughts would go away, and I would just fall asleep. But this time, I thought... I guess I should pray.
I rolled over on my back, looked at the darkened ceiling in my airport sleep room, closed my eyes, and began to cry and pray:
"Dear God... You know all my thoughts. You know my fears. Sometimes I don't much like myself... but I love living.... even with all life's trials, disappointments, and failures. I do not want to die. I want to live. I love life... I love my wife... I love my daughters..."
At that very moment, my cell phone vibrated with a text message. It was from my daughter Grace, with this simple reply:
"Love you too!"
The Psalmist says:
The cords of death encompassed me; the torrents of destruction assailed me;
the cords of Sheol entangled me; the snares of death confronted me.
In my distress I called upon the LORD; to my God I cried for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears.
- Psalm 18:4-6
Just wanted to confess... and share. :)